April 4, 2006

I was at my cousin's farm. But my cousin's family was dead and left the farm to me. It was mine now. There were so many people there. Most of them I didn't know but I didn't care very much to know them, nor did I care that they were there. I just kept walking around and watching them. All they did was lounge. I'm pretty sure they were all just high... staring at the ceiling, staring at the floor tiles or the wall, staring at the ceiling fan slowly, slowly rotating. I felt like I was looking for someone but I didn't know who. The only one I recognized was Andrew -- this obscure kid that I've met twice but both times it's been when I'm drunk. The second time I saw him I had this impulse to crack my beer over my head. That or break it on the dance floor. Not to get his attention, just to feel the beer foam over my face or watch it foam on the floor.

I left him to lounge like the rest. I walked into the gymnasium that was inside my house. It was a sickly biege colour with poor lighting. The combination makes you feel dizzy. Ironic that it's a gymnasium, isn't it? The structure was similar to that of the Brownell's elementary school gymnasium. I've only been in it once before for volleyball (or was it basketball? I seem to remember orange or white but maybe because I was always staring at my shoes. Did I ever own orange shoes?) I was in my socks so I began to spin on the waxed floor. Andrew followed me like he did that night at the Bassment. He kept trying to talk to me, but I just kept spinning. I wanted him to go and lounge. I wondered why he wasn't high. He looked so sober and sad, but I didn't acknowledge him. I lay on my back and began to spin myself in circles with my bent legs. I couldn't see him then. I just saw the pipes and metal rafters of the ceiling twisting eccentricly above me.

I owned a field full of weeds and a poorly lit gymnasium. There was lots of people in the house but it was okay with me. I didn't care to know them, but it was comforting to have the company. In the end everyone will come to understand that the only person they can really depend on is themselves. Friends are good to have and nice for spooning, sometimes venting, and always loving, but when it comes down to the nitty-gritty details... you have to be strong for one person and one person alone: yourself.

I lay spinning. Andrew didn't speak much. We were both okay with the fact that I ignored every word coming out of his mouth. He didn't even seem to speak to me. He kept looking at the walls when he talked and when he stopped he would always look back at me with the same look that he gave the wall. It's always cloudy in my heart. I wish it would rain already.