Life Beyond the Classroom

I used to believe I understood what contentment was. I thought I knew how to be completely satisfied, but now that I'm getting glimpses of what my future could be -- what it could really be, not just faint wisps of longing, I know that it wasn't full contentment that I've experienced up until now. I'm not content yet. On the verge of adulthood and a career, I begin to formulate an image of myself as a professional illustrator, well employed and fairly paid; with a studio and maybe even a family. The family would come later. But the picture of Arwen, poised in front of her art desk inside her spacious studio inside a medium-sized house filled with bright and stupid Arwen-things makes me understand how variable my lifestyle is and how impossible it is for me to experience true contentment.

I don't control my life right now. I do more than I did four years ago. I do more than I did three months ago. But I still depend on other people for essentials. Even when I move away for school next year, I will still depend on campus for living space (depending on what school I attend) and if not that, I'll be sharing some place with a roommate because of expenses. School will still control my life.

But someday, when I've gained my degree, I will know what it's like to feel truly content and satisfied. I'm more eager for that day than I would've ever thought. 'Just thinking about it motivates me to work hard and constantly on a portfolio that'll bring my art that extra-degree by attending a classy art school.

The idea... oh God... it gives me multiple and long-lasting mental orgasms. Getting there will be just as exciting. I'll be in school with people who are extremely serious about their art as I should and will be. The sheer intensity that I'll share with them in that- I can't think right now. My boner's too big and livid for me to concentrate on writing articulately. Fuck, I can't wait... I just can't wait.