nondescript naïveté

I was giddy, once, lost in the summer rain and glimmering fireflies and the sweet tang of blackberries staining my tongue. I was giddy when you entered my world, and it was because of you. We ran across the downs, the rolling hills; the long grass whipped at our knees and our pounding feet were enshrouded in silver fog that wisped and danced as if alive. I laughed and I meant it – for once my exuded happiness was genuine, pure as Donne’s melted gold. To airy thinness beat.

Five-hour conversations … I could have stayed there all night, high on the joy that bubbled within me like the exuberant fizz of champagne. Our fingers crept closer, hesitated, intertwined. The flash of a subtle smile in the darkness, a flutter of lashes, a goodnight kiss. I was smitten and I knew it, and knowing it I felt alive. The crickets sang in my ears.

And then it happened, the fateful words, the fateful flicker of the light-switch. I am content, I do not regret – but still I do not understand why you drew away. The distance widened; I called across the gulf, tentatively at first, then repeatedly, desperately. Still you did not answer, or garbled echoes of riddled words reached my despairing ears. I tried my best to decipher them, I fumbled, I made excuses. I blamed myself. I justified you, I justify you, even as the tears that are your doing roll hotly down my cheeks.

There is an eerie emptiness, now, where I once felt so light; it is as if a piece of me has been suddenly and forcefully torn away. Dull, lifeless, apathetic, my eyes do not sparkle anymore. Smile like you mean it. I do, a fool and a fake. I hurt and I can't deny it, and try as I may I cannot seem to reclaim my comfortable place in a shiny happy world.

I am a silly, silly girl. I know it well. But I cannot resent you, not truly, not when that hated sparkle of desperate hope still flares to life in my mind at the sound of your name.