Absorb me... entirely

Last night I had moments where I wanted the world to absorb me. I stumbled across pavement or played with lights I saw through a window with my fingers, believing I felt the pulse of the universe. I felt it, and everything inside of me wanted to evaporate, dissolve... instantly knit myself with the fabric of time. I didn't want there to be a trace of me left. I didn't want to just smell melting snow. I wanted to be melting snow. I didn't want to be able to feel, smell, taste, see, or know anything anymore. I just wanted to exist on a plane where nothing could find me and judge me. I didn't even want to exist separate from everything else. I felt like the universe accepted me entirely... and that nothing or no one could equate its unconditional approval of me. At least I have bruises to prove my appeal to the universe failed. There was nothing suicidal about the thoughts I had last night. I'm tired... give me a break and leave me alone.