I'm no Jack Sparrow

I've lost myself. As a pirate, my navigation skills haven't lived up to their reputation in the fog. I wish I knew where I was going. I wish I knew how to control the weather of my conscience, which seems to have completely enveloped the way in darkness. What an ambiguous lifestyle I've led. What an uncertain path I tread. What an unhappy road I've chosen.

No one has answers to clarify what I seek. I've inquired, and all they can reply with is, "I don't know what to tell you." The honesty is appreciated, but the truth weighs heavier than the question. I'm lost. I'm alone in the fog. It's getting cold. I can feel the congestion breeding a deathly virus in the seat of my lungs. I'm drowning, but I'm starting to accept the loneliness. Death seems inevitable, but not so frightful anymore. I'm starting to understand better, but like a Wiseman brooding in his tall, dark tower I'm feeling the weight of it, and it's crushing and withering the happiness into a pulpy mass of wretched feelings. I'm not nostalgic over the loss. I don't mourn it. I will miss it now and again, but I won't dwell in angst.

Someday the fog will clear and the skies will be blue again. A swift wind will carry me far and I'll have a clear conception of where I'm going. But for now... this haziness pulls me to the deck, and I can taste the bitter, salty signs of past sailors who've saturated the boards with likewise misery.

Dick'n Around

I didn't have homework to do over third and lunch, for once in probably a week straight. So I happily occupied myself with playing with pictograms and fiddling with trial-versions of Graham's cover. I had fun with Cedar's Bloom, but my pen bled all over the place. Gross. Oh well, it's just for fun anyway. I haven't done pictograms in a millenia and was inspired to play around with it.

I'm not satisfied with the cover layout yet, and G-dawg needs a picture with his acoustic for the actual cover anyway. This is just a rough-draft to try to grasp what we may want to do with the final copy.

I dick around a lot. It may seem unproductive, and it may even be that. But it fills up time and is better than staring at a television for two hours.

Imagine Arwen making cat calls. Okay, good. Carry on.

I like this first picture a lot.

Fretful

I'm so effing frustrated. I hate art so much.

another world; January

I wrote this sometime in January or December. I didn't like it. It seems better when I listen to Bright Eyes 'Lover I don't have to love'.

The grass is still green.
It didn't find time to die.
The blood was still falling
Long after Jane’d died.

Blue-collar men laugh in the bar,
They didn't know the bomb was
Hidden in the hood of the car.
It wasn't funny that their faces
Were all blown out
But it was Jane's birthday
She deserved a final bout.

Insignificant at fifteen
Glorious and voluptuous
At age nineteen -- pretty
Not handsome in the least.
She died young because
She tried to be someone
Who she wasn't meant to be.

The grass is still green.
It didn't find time to die.

Insect infiltration

My head's hurt all day. Not to such an extent as to drive me into a room without light or sound, but it's been consistent. I've taken pain killers and drank enough water to satisfy squadrens of arthritic sweat-plastered athletes, but it remains: pulsing, throbbing, gnawing at the edge of my mind.

I've come to a logical conclusion. During the night a pregnant female spider deposited her egg sac into my nasal cavity. A fly, encouraged by the spider's confidence, also stashed her unborn spawn inside. Since last night, my nose has incubated the eggs and hatched maggots. The God forsaken larvae have been irritating my nasal passages and given me a perpetual headache. It makes sense, you know... I woke up in the middle of the night with a stomach ache. No doubt that was the result of swallowing a maggot or two. Soon enough I'll have spiders crawling out of my nose.

I don't expect my arachniphobic boyfriend to be calling me and requesting company anytime soon. :\

Promotional Blurb

I haven't been posting when I've updated the links on the sidebar, so I figured I'd give the lowdown on them now. And yes, I rearranged them. I'm visually oriented and the way they were before was bothering me. I'll probably change it again. It seems too unbalanced now. Nonetheless...

Jokrab, Johanne's blog. She's a really awesome and enigmatic person with spiritual introspect that's definitely worth checking five times a day and reading many times over.
Scagliola, my photo-journal. Where I ditch photographs I've taken with my CanonA80.
Jorbrugund, a coalition consisting of Colin, Kyle, Phil, Matty, Evan and Lara. A creative group with stimulating thoughts, ideas, perspectives and abilities.
Nimble Neglect, Graham's blog. A pensive writer and spectacular songwriter, Graham never ceases to impress his audience. Bonus: he's hot too. I'd say he should post some song-snippets with some of his entries for promotional-value. June first is when it's coming out, my precious reader!
Midnight Musings, Rebecca's blog. She's a lyrically and socially inspired individual; very much worth checking into. A talented writer with empathetic objectivity towards the world.
Over the Rainbow; Alyx, Niki, dear friend and (tea) lover, always an inspiration to those she comes in contact with either over her blog entries or face-to-face. She's an excellent and thought provoking writer, your visit to her blog is always warranted.
Schnozzberry-Cocktail, John's blog. He's new to it, enough that I haven't been able to form an opinion of his work exactly yet, but the pieces he's offered for The Loop were auspicious and I look forward to the updates at his new blog.
Decay of the Symphony, a duo-blog force consisting of only one blogger: Aaron. He posts frequently with short stories, reviews, and radical but honest assessments of society. He's certainly worth the ten plus times I check his blog daily.
Promenade of Astronauts, Matty's photo-blog, a place where a budding photographer is developing his roots. He's like a weed in that he's rapidly getting better, but his roots nurture instead of choke those around him. A brilliant person and friend.
Everyone's not Imperfect, Nathan's blog. He took my desk one day in History. I forgot until he wrote it in my yearbook that he felt bad about it. He also took my gum. A seemingly pilfering character, Nathan's actually a good guy. He's got some relatable, important issues and he's articulate in expressing them.

Now go, visit them ten times or more each day. Anticipate their updates. Be a hardcore blognerd like the rest of us (me)!

eerily accurate ·

If Arwen gets to post a quiz, then so do I.

Your #1 Match: ISFJ

The Nurturer You have a strong need to belong, and you very loyal. A good listener, you excel at helping others in practical ways. A creature of habit, you prefer routines and have trouble with change. In your spare time, you enjoy engaging your senses through art, cooking, and music. You are comfortable enough in groups but find it easy to be devoted to one person, who you do special things for. You would make a good interior designer, chef, or child psychologist.

What's Your Personality Type?

...So eerily accurate it made me stop and blink for a bit. I felt a distinct need to share.

Coy Nostalgia

Dusk has past. The sun is gone. Pale light illuminates the clouds as though the waning sun still loitered by the horizon, but it is only the reflection of the iridescent city below. Light pollution, a facade of beauty concealing filth with its plaster-thick foundation. The good days are gone but not lost. The taste of years gone by linger, but only in the pit of your mouth while the flavors of modern society rigorously flood your taste buds, overpowering mild reminiscence. Lamentation has passed, the chameleon loses it's luster, but the caffeinated beverage alters a weary gaze and turns it bright. Genetically identical, psychologically diversified, acceptance will never be a universal language.

Seduce Me

Oh me oh my, a quiz. Don't you hate these? They plague blogs and live journals. I'm conforming. But only this once.

Your Seduction Style: The Natural

You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen. Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people. You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find! People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Malignant Machine

I wish I knew what to do.
I've always been in control at the
wheel of my psyche; this terrain has
always been manageable. Then you
came into my life, Obliterator
of reason, Destroyer of this
organization which I've
grown so attached to.
The engine that
ran my life
was acceptable.
You came along,
and altered the settings;
I'm still debating whether you
changed them f'the good or the bad.
I run perfectly now, easily, but doubt
renders the engine useless. It shudders
with chagrin, sputtering dismay. If
only I knew how to approach
the malfunctions. If only
I could tweak them
so that I could
remember
how it was
in the beginning:
when my engine ran
unfaltering. But I worry.
I know I can't fix the problem
on my own; but I'm also
concerned that if I
notify you,
the
changes
you make may
again vanquish
this fresh feeling
that I have become
familiar with. What
the new emotion is
I believe to be evol.

Photogenic

He's waiting for the beetle to emerge. Muahaha.

Cut from the main page for Niki's sake.

Wolf in the Basement

An enormous wolf spider, completely motionless, captivated me. I saw it on the wall. I ran to get a jar, the jar had a hole, the spider skuttled through and I made a restrained sound of distress before scurrying to grapple another jar. I made a hole for ventilation at the top, found the gigantic specimen again, and successfully usered it inside. Since I've put a little cap of water, two twigs and a bit of bark inside. When my mom brings the camera home, I'll show you my glorious prize.

I'll probably end up releasing it later, but I named him/her Harvey while s/he stays with me.

Edit: This isn't the best picture, but it's the best I could do for it being in a jar and all... so. Whatever.

Click for craptacular image.

Repetition

Punisher. I wish I knew where the happiness went. It melts away as swift as the shift of mood in an unreliable song, tremulously leading me through confused and unpredictable chords. The dispassion is transient but it wastes me when it arrives, erodes me like an acid; leaves my remains a brittle and smiling skeleton. I used to believe attitude was a choice. I used to hold the belief that you could control how you feel when God threw you a curve ball. Disgusting. I 'used to, 'used to, 'used to. Acidic fluid, hot and putrid, rolling from my tongue and into the sink: I hated vomiting in the toilet, putting my head where hundreds of asses have sat and broke wind, diarrhea and bitter-smelling urine. Fuck. I hate swearing so much.

I hate the dizziness. I hate the uncontrollable feeling that I deny over and over again. I hate how unreliable my emotion has become. But I can't control it, 'can't control it, 'can't control it anymore. Repetitious song. My smiles had been metallic because I hadn't felt real misery, hot and smoldering burning from my feverish forehead. Pasty-faced, vomit-mouthed, plastered with cold sweat; I thrust milk-saturated cookies down my refluxing throat, uncaring of the cost, conscious but apathetic to the consequences. Uh oh, up it comes again, over and over again but harder like it will be the next time.

Punisher. Disgusting. Repetitious song. Over and over again: I love you, I love you, I love you.

Dénouement.

Listen to Absinthe Party at the Fly Honey Warehouse by Minus the Bear on repeat.

Quest for God,

contradictorily, found in atheism?

While researching for proof that God did not exist for a Christian Ethics assignment a few weeks back, I came across infidels.org, a website dedicated to atheists who express their opinions on the lack of existence of an Almighty Power. Despite the fact that I disagreed with many of the arguments, it's a very intellectual site and the forum is huge, with lots of interesting debate.

I believe in accepting what other people believe and not trying to convert people through fear. Instead I try to display it with my demeanor and actions. By being Christian, I try to inspire others, not make them uncomfortable. I also believe in learning as much as I can about Christianity so that I can grow in my faith. Reading through the various discussions refuting and defending God is a neat way to learn different people's perspectives and how it relates to you, so I'd recommend you visit the infidel forum, even if it's just for a glance. It's worth taking a look at.