Self Obligation

It's difficult to love yourself when you care so little about how your actions affect your life. It's hard to respect yourself when you've lost all semblence of direction and you're too apathetic to find the way back.

Often I find myself walking home with a sour twist in my stomach. I approach my house but all I can think about is continuing to walk so that I'll reach somewhere where I can't find my way home. Too often I slow down. Too often I wish I could leave it all behind. Too often I regret opening the door again and not turning around to face a new street. I'm not trying to be allusive. I honestly hate walking home alone. The closer I get to the steps the more I regret returning to this fucking place full of self-loathing and loneliness. I hate being the one to leave. But I can't see another way around it. I've always been the one to go. You've always been the one to stay. Is that okay?

I have responsibility towards myself. But I always refute it and refuse to acknowledge the fact that I'm worth a damn. I'm not worth it. How can I expect other people to respect or love me if I refuse to accept myself?