Psst

wanna know what I like about you?

You.

Together

I believe in magic. I also believe in you. Let's conquer our frustration and woe. Does it feel impossible? My knowledge of magic has helped me. I hope it can help you too.

When you feel vertigo and your legs quake to fall, I'll hold you until the earthquake stops. Between the tremors I'll show you how a firm plateau has formed below your feet. You'll envision my ceaseless support as the warmth of sunlit trees and hear my explanation between the clap-like laughter of freshly budded leaves. Nothing can harm you in the plateau of our combined imagination.

Should you feel lost, I will call beyond the fog. I will see you gleaming like a light-bug; you are my softly shining beacon. When I find you I'll grasp your hand and we'll crouch low to the ground. We'll feel the fine-knit wood and recognize the heave of the ocean propelling us forth into unknown frontiers. I see the discomfiture in your stare, my smile tells you not to worry. I yell upwards, beyond the silent, thick canvas. 'Ahoy, ahoy!' The birds respond. They return my call, but theirs blasts the fog away. When it clears you recognize land ahead. Our plateau, now thick with orchards, beckons our arrival.

I will always do my best to help you, no matter where you are or how absolutely crestfallen you have become. My words will not always suffice, I know... but I will always do my best to create a refuge for you, even if it's in the simple silence of my embrace.

Obliging happiness

If you pay close attention, you'll realize that life is beautiful... all of the time.

The slanted shadows poured blue light across the evening sunlit sidewalk. I sauntered down the street towards my house with my hands in my 'ugly bunny-hug' pockets. I heard a voice, followed it with my eyes, and saw through a welded black gate to my left the old man who owns the sculpted tree. He was propped against the fence dividing his and his neighbor's yard, speaking with the woman on the other side. A glass of ice-water dangled from his relaxed fingers. Between my slanted hair I smiled with teeth at my feet. The neighbors sharing discourse over the fence made me glad. My unaltered pace carried me under the trees with helicopter seeds. They clattered together in the hot evening breeze.

In the moment I reflected on the day and my grin remained.

No one is immune.

He pensively looked through the rings and politely inquired whether we had other sizes of 'Carpe Diem'. 'Do you know what it means?' he asked the girl he was browsing with. She shook her head while popping ring after ring on and off, examining them by spreading her fingers as a girl would to look at her nails. 'It means seize the day.' There was something quiet about the way he contemplated the superman ring he rotated from finger to finger. 'It's an important saying to me.' He smiled, 'Interpreted into English it basically means get off your ass and do something with your life.' I had been looking for Carpe Diem among the various disorganized clusters of rings behind the counter in a casual manner prior to his explanation. Now I felt a new sense of purpose as I inspected the black foam panels for his object of affection. I found three more. One of the sizes fit his pinkie. He didn't end up buying it, but I situated the panel in a place where I could find it later. I felt empowered by his vision.

It was my first shift and I had already experienced a sliver of enlightenment. I knew what carpe diem meant before, but he had basically summed up the basis for all of my actions to this day.

I don't wear a mask for anyone. I'm Arwen whenever and wherever you see me. I strive to satisfy my deepest and utmost passions in life because I know materialism and physicality won't make me happy. Every waking moment of existence is spent on trying to lighten other's lives with my own. I want to make you happy. I want you to be proud to know me. I want to be proud to know myself.

Whatever you do, pursue what is most important to you. Seize the day.

So that's what it takes.

My fly won't stay up. So I walked home from the mall with my fly down while reading the introduction to the Hindu Upanishads. I made eye-contact with everyone who passed by. Everybody smiled at me today. These pants are the answer.

My unfrowner pants.

Down & down & down white water...

Here's how the game works. We punch each other in the mouth until we bust some teeth out, then we chase each other around playing tag with the teeth we lost. When we're too tired to chase each other (blood loss will do that), we'll play 'who can make the most convincing corpse?' by the side of the road. When someone pulls over to check you or I out we'll act alive and scare the shit out've'em. We'll judge each other by the reactions we receive from the people who pull over.

Okay. Ready? Go!
What do you do when your path's dense with trees? You CHARGE the fuck through them until you make it through or die!

...Today's weird. I really wanna wrestle someone right now, then jump in a frigid lake and dry off on an island or in some tall, wild grass. I want to climb trees and hang upside down from an upper branch. I'd like to play pick up sticks too, but only after I've worn off all this congested energy.
ROAR.

I've lost my mind for 'w'

Vertigo vertigo ergo.
Penalized pencils
Between white ravens.
Vertigo where'dja go
Lime-lit letters lack
Upright landlords.
Vertigo vertigo ergo.
Dante dire straits
A little to the left, dear.
A little to the left.

Vanquish vestigial organs.
To the nth, to the 15th.
Or is it the 18th?
No! 13th. Really?
Vertigo my Alamo.
No, alumni.
No! Alamo.
Do you taste straw?
Eff it sire, chew
A farm. Sick cheese
cherries all I've got is
Vertigo. What've you
Got to lose, buster?

(I'm losing double u,
I've lost everything.)

I can't cure your virus.

Does your sky darken when the sun shines? You have tears in your eyes; does it hurt to go blind? You're cold, you're warm, and you’re ill at ease. Let me accompany you, please... please: you're not obligated to endure this alone. I'll tear your tears away for a simple moment. We'll share a smile; you and I. We'll smile together. Can you feel the secret grow? Instead of tears, there are stars on your cheeks. When you smile they glow. Do you feel the secret? It's stronger now. We're growing together as we grow apart.

Subdue me (or have you already?)

I'm so full of hate.

I'm surprised a human being has the capacity to survive under such truculent conditions. I reserve all this spite for myself but for all the loathing it contains...

Water won't alleviate this headache, because it lies deeper than that... a subliminal throbbing. It's not pain so much as a swell of disgust. I recognize what I've become. I know but I don't care. And now I'm terrified sick of my disregard.

I pretend I'm someone new, but I'm just another girl swayed by you.

Boys in Action

I'm inspired. While Nathan's in Europe I'm going to train myself on his board. At least that's what I tell myself. Yesterday I accompanied the guys to St Angela, and this morning I tagged along to the skate park. I drew some and took some pictures. Fricken' awesome. I had so much fun! Click on Mick's back to see some of the fun you missed:

Gesso my Placenta

Me: "Look mom!"
Mom: Looks at the picture for a moment, then to me with a bit of a smirk, "How much have you had to drink?"
Me: Appears mystified and stares at the picture, "Is it that obvious?"
Mom: repeats her question.

A little taste of tomorrow

So. I'm moving to Oakville next fall. I've been "firmly admitted" online into the art fundamentals program for illustration. I'm just waiting for my offer of admittance in the mail and on the Ontario college's website.

I'll be there for five years instead of four; but I'll still be a mere 25 years old by the time I attain my bachelor's degree. Murrow.

PS; sorry (to whom it may concern) if my attitude negatively affected you last night. Somehow, despite how dejected I was, I managed to feel contrarily amazing. So thanks for unconditionally supporting me and putting up with my shit; even when you aren't required to.

PPS:

Does matter really matter?

knuckles ache.
heart belches puss and mucous.
orange sunrise bleeds blue into the sky.
every broken blood vessel screams its sore story.
there you are, little sun. little burning blemish
scalding the orange skin of the sky.
hi. how can you be so undescriminating?
your heart is too unprejudiced.
you shouldn't.
you shouldn't like me at my worst
you shouldn't let me be my worst
too bad i ache too much to breathe.
heart belches puss and mucous.
i thought i saw the sunrise.
wait, no, it was just an epiphany.
did you know we're actually crazy?

Northern Lights in the Graveyard

Written last night at eleven, (semi)alone in the Saskatoon cemetary.

She'll be back
For your back
Thinking back
I'm [not] sorry.

Do you like art?

An epic day in April

Today is a monumental day. Since it hasn't dipped below freezing overnight, I decided now was the time. Harold is destined for bigger, better places than an octagonal Boston Pizza container. She was cute and hesitant. I managed to get a short thirteen-second video of her apprehensive progression into the rock garden. This is emblematic to me. I doubt anyone would understand why. While I was editing the pictures my eyes were watering. Heh. NO I did not cry! Anyone who knows me knows I don't cry. Anyway, I felt strangely liberated with an underlying hint of... I wouldn't call it sadness so much as... nostalgia? Like a parent wishing their kid farewell as they go away to college, or how an animal-keeper must feel when they have to let their tiger/whatever go away to a breeding program. Okay, so those are very different situations. But you kind of get my meaning, eh?

No. I'm not cutting the images. This is too important for me to hide. So if you don't like it, simply avert your eyes. I loved this goddamn spider. So eff you kindly, sir/ma'am.










She clung onto one of the branches I had in her enclosure for about two minutes before I shifted the web to get her to leave for good. Bye, m'love. Take care now, you'll live on in my heart forevermore. (Insert doleful sigh here)

Wouldn't it be nice.

I had a dream this afternoon that I was at Genesis with my family, but Genesis was in a big mall that looked like the arts tunnel at the university. Somehow, my Californian cousins' van dropped into the restaurant. My other aunt who lives here was going to drive it back to their house. I accompanied her. We started down the arts tunnel and a man appeared in front of us. We almost hit him, but we swung aside and slid adjacent another van with the man staring bleakly inwards from between them. There were people all around us, staring contemptuously. They had straight faces that portrayed disappointed gazes. No one yelled, they just all stopped to gape. Fucking people. I wanted to punch them all in the mouth. I woke up to Vincent poking my face and purring.

My mom just handed me a fortune cookie. My fortune was 'You will discover the truth in time.' I gave it the finger.

Cracking, breaking, & losing myself.

A fine sliver of a crack is tracing my psychological contours. I'm being constricted. I'm overburdened with the pressure. So forgive me if I throw myself at a wall so that the itching crack splinters and falls away. Forgive me if I slip into a hapless heap while my numb fingers push the fractured pieces around at my useless feet. I won't be able to put them back into place until my sanity returns. If you can't be patient with me I understand. If you can't hang onto our drifting friendship don't feel obligated to. I know you're under pressure just as much as I am. But somehow I'm weakened by it now when I wasn't before. I'm on the verge. I feel it more everyday. It hurts to wake up. It hurts to move around. It hurts to do what I must. I will crack, I will break and I will never be the same again.

I had several consecutive dreams about Sheridan last night. Everyone I knew received letters of acceptance. I was always empty-handed. Nothing. Letters, letters for everyone: choking the mailboxes, waving in the enthusiastic hands of the applicants, plastered everywhere... everywhere except my hollow heart.

Light your own way

He is astride with ambition, intuition, a crook for a pistol and fine chiseled bristles. Passion to his craft leaves the girls alone in their stalls, pressing hard against the grain they try, try, try but he'll never accompany them. Straight back steady-handed callous-hard Grant; he rides his horse and herds his cattle, day'n night. Cheap cigarettes cusped between his thin-pressed lips, chords of flesh holding his eyes in a permanent squint... his hard angular body won't ride anyone but his horse. But he don't need nobody, and that's why every girl loved'm.

I love people. Sociologically, psychologically, just... everything about people: being with them, communicating with them, and befriending them. It all appeals to me. But there is one thing that I can't stand. That is how selfishly some people cultivate others. These sorts crave companionship. It won't just be for their sexual gratification, they want it because they need to depend on something. They need it because they can't find it within themselves.

One very, very important thing these people need to figure out someday is that the only person you can really, truly and forever depend upon is yourself - not your loving mother, adoring father, exceptional girlfriend, accepting boyfriend, and not your best friend. People are beautiful and good to have around. Relationships are awesome and necessary for your social betterment. But you can't expect anyone to solve your problems or always give you the right answers. No one will ever give you all the right answers so don't expect them to. It'll leave you empty and your sense of self will continue to elude you.

Never expect anyone to like you, want to be with you, or love you! Someone will, many will; but never expect it of them. Never expect other people to do the impossible for you. They can and and will but not because you want them to. Live your own fucking life, don't live anyone else's... and be happy with who you are because of who you are, not because of anyone else.

'You are the only light there is for yourself my friend.' -Gogol Bordello

You let me desecrate you...

Hey, let's lock lips. Then let's crack those sensitive smiles off each other's faces with our fucking fists.

Over the summer

I will...
· play tag
· climb trees
· go to shows
· go to the Ex
· write creatively
· climb a building
· clean my room
· teach myself 'Push'
· read until I go blind
· cry when I move away
· watch movies until I lose vision
· have a minimum of five dance-offs
· cook a minimum of six meals for my family
· work my ass off at Silver Sense and Colours
· find, catch and identify different bug species
· advance my artistic spectrum by trying new and different mediums
· challenge my artistic talent by drawing, painting and sketching endlessly
· spend much of my time not only with friends, but with my awesome family
· smoke my pipe at 5:00 am as I watch the sun rise on my front step and/or roof
· spend time out of the city at night if for nothing else, to stare into the starlit sky
· get non-fiction out of the library (social, political or natural science)
· lacquer my little raisin orange so that he can move with me

I won't...
· be late for work
· drink until I throw up
· miss work without providing ample warning
· go out of province (until I actually move, obviously)

I might..
· smoke a cigarette
· break a bone or two

Rape me, my friend.

This is of no artistic/creative merit.

I just had a fucking great day at work and thought I'd share. The whole shift was basically Terry and I talking about art stuff and bands. By the way, apparently there is going to be a great show at Amigo's on the fourteenth, so get your ass over there to have supper and enjoy a show with me. Terry also shared his leftovers from Amigos with me for lunch. BEST BEANS & RICE EVER.

Tonight I'm probably pulling an allnighter to complete my essay and paintings for tomorrow, so... yeah. Rockstar and coffee, I shall consume thee with vigor!

I love you all. So very, very much.

8:18pm, First new development: Jill called and told me she received her letter of acceptance from Sheridan today. I almost fell off the couch, it was pretty dramatic. I screamed in fits of joy and now am extra-anxious for whatever my news will be. This is such a fricken' nail biting week, it's ridiculous! Second piece of news: I'm creepy and I called my English prof. at his house. I asked if marks would be deducted for handing in my term paper on Friday and he said no, so I'm just aiming for getting as much done as I can tonight without going overboard. Too bad I didn't call him before drinking that effing energy drink. Hah! Oh well. I got two paintings still to do tonight anyway.

Hi Love.

I'm feeling open tonight. So I thought I'd share my recent entries in my diary. Don't take offense to the blurred lines at the top. Everyone has secrets. Mine aren't malicious. I don't have anything sinister to say about anyone I know. In fact, a more accurate thing to consider while staring at those four short lines would be to imagine it's something fond about you that I'd be embarrassed to share. So if anything, those inarticulate lines should add to my mystique. Anyway, here's the translation of my chicken scratch:

April 2/06
I skipped out on doing schoolwork until today. University is going to kick my ass this week. I'm seriously not excited. But everything will work out in the end. In less than a month I will be complete my first year in university. In less than a week my fate with Sheridan will be allotted. God, help me. I'm stressing out.

April 3/06

I'm starting to recognize that living forever is overrated. I'm still going to try to be healthy; but if I want to smoke or drink I'm not going to be as critical about it anymore.
This life is too fleeting to be stringent about so many trivial things.

I'm hopeless, aren't I.

I lost control. The most difficult part about it is the understanding that I'm the only one who can fix this. I'm vulnerable and lost... again. Now I have to find and reorient myself...
if I can.

Absorb me... entirely

Last night I had moments where I wanted the world to absorb me. I stumbled across pavement or played with lights I saw through a window with my fingers, believing I felt the pulse of the universe. I felt it, and everything inside of me wanted to evaporate, dissolve... instantly knit myself with the fabric of time. I didn't want there to be a trace of me left. I didn't want to just smell melting snow. I wanted to be melting snow. I didn't want to be able to feel, smell, taste, see, or know anything anymore. I just wanted to exist on a plane where nothing could find me and judge me. I didn't even want to exist separate from everything else. I felt like the universe accepted me entirely... and that nothing or no one could equate its unconditional approval of me. At least I have bruises to prove my appeal to the universe failed. There was nothing suicidal about the thoughts I had last night. I'm tired... give me a break and leave me alone.